We’ve All Been Here Before

My friend gf’s appears to be taking a non-stop trip aboard the crazy train.

He keeps asking me for advice but isn’t taking it.  I think it’s the kind of thing where he knows he’s unhappy but keeps clinging to hope.

– his gf is being crazy and bringing the drama like there’s no tomorrow
– he realizes what is going on but is still “in love” with her and of course wants to make it work, same situation we’ve all been in

Here’s what I told him:

You know what you’re doing?

You’re romanticizing it in your head.

Oh no, my first true love! I love her so! I don’t want her to slip away! We could have something so great if only we could work things out! How tragic it would be if this didn’t work!

I know because I did the same thing with my ex.

Look, this is working for you on some level or you wouldn’t be putting up with it.

You can tell a heroin addict 100 reasons why heroin is going to destroy his life, and he will agree with you, but he will keep doing the heroin until HE realizes it’s bad for him.

You will keep putting up with drama and craziness from her until YOU realize that it is actually not what you want anymore.

Right now you’re still in “I want to make this work” fantasy idealization mode. You are the woman who makes excuses for her abusive husband.

Sooner or later you will actually realize from the core of your self that “this is not what I want” except rather than just acknowledging it cognitively but still actually wanting it and rewarding yourself by being sucked back into it, you will actually be repulsed by it.

It will be like if you’re walking down the sidewalk and you see a pile of dog crap and you’re like “eww” and before you can even mentally process what it is, your body has already stepped out of the way.

You will think about your gf and be repulsed by her craziness and there will be no conflict between what you logically know is correct and what you actually want emotionally.

Your brain will go “this girl is bad news. Avoid.”

But the only way you’ll get there is when you realize for yourself that you deserve more respect than she is giving you.

Here’s one way I used to look at it:

How would you feel if your parents were there watching her be a crazy person?